first week anxiety, the necessity of a right fear, and the blessing of grace

One week down, 39 more weeks to go. It's only the first week, and I already feel so overwhelmed by the amount of grading and the time it takes for just one class of 32 papers. Overwhelmed by the busy schedule--up every morning by 5. Overwhelmed by how far my kids will have to be academically stretched this year.  Overwhelmed by how much I will be academically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually stretched this year.

Last week Sunday was not very restful as I was far too nervous about the first day and still trying to plan for the first week. This Sunday, I was determined to make the time to delight in the gift of Sabbath rest that God has provided for us. I am so thankful for technology that allows me to remain connected with my home church and its sermons, and as always, God knew exactly what I needed to hear on this Sunday afternoon.

In a conclusion of a sermon series on wisdom in Proverbs, my pastor preached from Proverbs 31:10-31, the well-known "excellent wife" passage, but with a twist on it as a celebration of wisdom as found throughout all of Proverbs. As shown in that passage, he said that wisdom involves knowing what is good and pursuing it. This requires motivation and determination, and as he said it, the woman of Proverbs 31 might be classified as a Type A personality, someone who is driven and motivated, pursuing the good of her family and community.

I would consider myself more of a Type A personality and very motivated professionally. I want to be the absolute best teacher I can be, to love my students the best, to do everything well, etc. However, motivations need to be examined and corrected where flawed. So often, I am driven by fear and a sense of inadequacy. I work hard to try to prove my value to myself and/or others. Already this week I have felt myself sinking into that mindset. Trying to be the best teacher because I need to be or else I don't know who I'll be or what I'll do. Because being the best is what I've always had to be, for no good reason other than that I just expect it of myself.

Although this fear factor is an effective motivator (at times), as my pastor said it ultimately harms us, sucking the joy out of life and not creating a life we want to celebrate. Already I've felt it sucking out the joy I can find in teaching. I'm becoming too preoccupied with myself and my to-do list that I'm forgetting that my students are people, children, with personalities and strengths and weaknesses. I'm forgetting that English is a second language that they are struggling to learn. I'm forgetting that they are made in God's image.

Rather than being motivated by the fear of my own inadequacy, I need to be driven by a fear of the Lord. A fear that recognizes God as the one who made and loves each of my students, who made and loves me regardless of how often I fail in or out of the classroom. I need to be driven by an awe of a Lord who sacrificed his only Son to redeem me to a new life of loving service to and through Him. Only then will I truly be able to love my students, to "open my mouth with wisdom" and with the "teaching of kindness" on my tongue (Proverbs 31:26).

I have been forgetting the "encouragement in Christ" the "comfort from love" the "participation in the Spirit" and the mind that is mine "in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant" (Phil. 2). That mind is mine in Christ, so that I am able to look not to my interests, but to others, and to consider them more significant than me. That is a glorious grace, for I am so unable in myself to do such a thing.

Only when I can rejoice in Christ's example and gift to me will I be able to teach in and with love. Only then will I be able to be overwhelmed by all the good things I have found here: the wonderful community of people I am living and working with, the relatively clean, bug-free home, the relaxing times with friends to sit and laugh over our week and watch a movie, the stunning beauty of my surroundings, a good night of sleep. Overwhelmed by the grace of the sanctification that will take place this year because God promises it and has given His Spirit to me for it. Overwhelmed by God's grace in my daily, crazy, wonderful, Honduran teaching life.

~Emily